Posted by: vigorousanonymity on: November 18, 2009
This is my first time ever not doing NoBloBlahBlah. I’m usually such a follower, such a lemming, that I do what everyone else is doing, but this year I smartened up for just long enough to realize a person who posts once a month should not be involved in a “let’s post every day” marathon.
I’m vastly proud of myself. The truth is, I used to set up the weekends on automatic post because I don’t ever post on the weekends, so I was always a cheater anyway. I feel much better having gotten that off my chest
I know I have news…something must be going on in my life…I just can’t think what it is or why you’d be interested in hearing it…
I just walked into the lunch room here at the office, because one of the Vice Presidents is visiting today and when he does he orders us all pizza. And even though I’m not hungry and I like to go out for lunch I was all FREE PIZZA! and went and had some.
I walked in and got myself a slice and started to sit down when the strains of the topic of conversation wafted my way. The men were talking about the atrocities of the current Presidential administration (their words, not mine) and bemoaning the cost of health care reform. One of the guys who I spar with on a constant basis saw me and shouted, “Don’t worry about the cost, Candy will pay it.”
I’ve said that to him before. That I think it’s my responsibility as a tax-paying citizen of this country to help out my brother. To pay extra to give everyone healthcare, so that maybe – just maybe – the cost the poor lady who works nights at the local McDonalds can afford to take her infant to the doctor for an ear infection. I know, call me crazy.
So I laugh it off even though the prickles of annoyance are rising up my spine, and I sit down. And then the VP who was visiting says:
“Can you believe this moron who said that thing about the mammograms?”
Direct quote. First of all, men sitting around a lunch room talking about mammograms – color me crazy but WTF? The reason breast cancer hasn’t been cured, IMHO, is because men don’t typically get it. So let’s not be silly enough to think we believe that you give a damn, gentlemen.
But then the one who made the crack about me paying for healthcare reform personally said:
“Yeah, just the first taste of what healthcare will be like now that our esteemed President is in charge.”
And I said, “That’s it,” got my pizza and walked out. There was shock. There were gaping jaws. And there was my dust.
I know everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I’m entitled to have a free piece of pizza without having to find room to have that shoved down my throat too.
Posted by: vigorousanonymity on: October 28, 2009
Ingrid’s roommate has swine flu. They’re sending the kid home for a week, but Ingrid and the remaining 2 roommates will stay behind in the infestation. Excellent.
Morris and I have both had the seasonal flu shot, but no one else in the family has. Ingrid is supposed to have one before she can start her clinicals next semester but the school ran out, as have all the pharmacies and doctors in the area, and at home as well. I’m not sure what she’s supposed to do about next year. I’m frankly more worried about this week.
I emailed Jackass and he told me the school he teaches at has 16 confirmed cases of swine flu, and another 50 unconfirmed. They’re unconfirmed because Horizon doesn’t cover the cost of the nose swab they use to confirm it, so those parents opt out of it because the treatment is the same. But that’s 66 kids in a rural Northern New Jersey high school with swine flu. Moderately troubling.
And Jackass is one of the ones in the family who hasn’t gotten a seasonal or H1N1 shot yet. Are you liking our odds? Anyone want to go for a long car ride with me? I didn’t think so.
Posted by: vigorousanonymity on: October 27, 2009
This year is my 30th high school reunion. Gad.
I went to my 25th with my bff from high school, Cheryl. But she lives in squallor in upper New York state and I don’t think she can afford the gas to come down this year. Which is frankly just as well, because opening the door to that friendship was like opening Pandora’s Box. Cheryl and I hadn’t spoken in years before the reunion, and afterwards she called me every 2 days to tell me how much she hated her husband, how much her friggin’ kids were driving her crazy, and how hot her new lover was.
So you’ll forgive me if I don’t want to revisit that.
I’ve decided I’m not attending my 30th. I just saw these people 5 years ago, and honestly, with the exception of the guy who hugged me like he should have hugged me in 1979, I don’t really want to see any of those people again so soon.
But I did sign up for Classmates a while back, and because the reunion is looming, every day I get another email telling me “so and so” has joined Classmates, and sent you a message and blah blah blah.
Dudes? I have no idea who these people are. So far I’ve gotten 47 emails about people joining Classmates from the class of ‘79 and not a single one of them rings a bell. I know I wasn’t a “cool kid” in high school, but I would have said back then I knew who every one of my classmates was. Apparently, I was wrong.
It leaves me with only one question left to ask. Who are these people?
Posted by: vigorousanonymity on: October 22, 2009
Today I got a chain letter in the mail from my direct supervisor at work. It’s one of those recipe exchange things, like the cookie recipe or the dishtowel thing, where you’re supposed to send it to 20 friends, and add your name to the bottom of the list, and eventually you’ll get 180 dishtowels. Or something.
Anyway, my boss sent it to me. She was the second person on the list, so if I hadn’t sent it out, she wouldn’t have gotten any recipes. And she would have known I was the problem. SO I HAD NO CHOICE!
But the damned thing was supposed to be sent to 20 PEOPLE! 20!!! Dudes, I don’t know 20 women’s emails off the top of my head…most people correspond through Facebook these days and their emails aren’t glaringly obvious anymore. Besides that, I DON’T HAVE 20 FRIENDS! Seriously…I really don’t know 20 women in real life that I could send that to.
Because she’s my boss, she’d already sent it to all the people we work with and are friendly enough with that they won’t be offended. So I had to come up with 20 real people not connected through work.
I got to about 13 and then I was just stumped. And so I did it. I added the names of my blog friends. I’M SO ASHAMED.
I hope you’ll forgive me, but this was job preservation at it’s most basic.
Posted by: vigorousanonymity on: October 19, 2009
…a meme appears! Yay for Mrs. Chili.
1. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? Oh yes. In fact, she’s sitting about 6 feet away from me right now.
2. How do you flush the toilet in public? The only public ones I ever use are the ones at work and they flush when you move. They also flush when you breathe, flush when you sneeze, and flush if you even think about flushing. Added to the faucet that turns on automatically when you put your hand under it and then doesn’t stop running at full speed for 3 minutes, I think we’re doing our share for the environment!
3. Do you wear your seat belt in the car? Mostly. (sooo ashamed). Lately, I’ve taken to driving the distance between my office and the mall right next door without it. But can I just say in my defense – I am only navigating a parking lot. No major streets.
4. Do you have a crush on someone? Sigh…I wish I could answer no…
5. Name one thing you worry about running out of. There are several. Toilet paper. Bathroom Dixie cups. Butter. Wine. Not necessarily in that order.
6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble? When I was young, it was Linda Ronstadt, but now it’s more like Phyllis Diller
7. What is your favourite pizza topping? Bacon!
8. Do you crack your knuckles? I do it when my fingers ache, thinking that what i need is a good cracking to loosen them up and then they just hurt more. Because I’m stupid like that.
9. What song do you hate the most? There is a new Alice in Chains song that my fave radio station is playing incessantly and I actually have to turn the station when it comes on. HEAD ACHE!
10. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head? Luckily, no, because it’s so dischordant I couldn’t possibly hear it in my head anyway. It has no melody.
11. What are your super powers? I think I get people. I get why they do things. What makes them tick. It’s a blessing and a curse.
12. Peppermint or spearmint? Spearmint. Wintergreen, if I have a choice.
13. Where are your car keys? That’s an excellent question
14. Last song you listened to? The iPod is on and playing Achilles Last Stand by Zeppelin.
15. What’s your most annoying habit? I clear my throat a lot. Drives Jackass pretty crazy.
16. Where did you last go on vacation? Stupid question. It’s always the frigging shore. But NOT NEXT YEAR!
17. What is your best physical feature? My eyes.
18. What CD is closest to you right now?I don’t know what this means. Closest in proximity? Like I could reach up and touch it. None. Closest as in – I must listen every day? None. I like random/shuffle. But if I had to choose, I’d say August and Everything After by the Counting Crows.
19. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? Wine, butter and cheese. I know how to live.
20. What superstition do you believe/practice? I ALWAYS knock wood. ALWAYS.
21. What colour are your bed sheets? Dark blue.
22. Would you rather be a fish or a bird? I can’t swim, so I guess I better go with bird, but that flying thing looks pretty freaky.
23. Last thing you broke? A nail.
24. What are you having to eat tonight? I think I’ll be making Chicken Parm tonight.
25. What colour shirt are you wearing? Salmon.
26. If you could be doing anything else today, what would you rather be doing? I would be home, attempting to clean my house, and playing a video game. Sad, I know.
27. Do security cameras make you nervous? What video camera? ::cue scary music::
28. If you wrote a book about your life, what would the title be? Running With Scissors.
29. Last time you went to a cemetery? Jeez. I guess 16 years ago when my mother died. But I have a weird fascination with them. When I drive by I try to read all the names I can.
30. Last concert you went to? Keane at Radio City Music Hall.
31. Favourite musician(s)/bands you’ve seen in concert? Elton/Billy. Jimmy Buffet. Fleetwood Mac. I’m lame. But I am going to see Neko Case next month!
32. Next concert you’re planning to attend? Oh. OK, so I’m going to see Neko Case next month!
33. Do you talk to yourself? Constantly. First of all, I practice every conversation I might ever have with any individual I might ever have it with out loud. And I keep up a steady dialog while I work. It can be maddening to those around me.
34. Have you ever adopted or purchased a pet? I have done both with varying results. As some of you well know.
35. Have you ever been present when an animal is being born? Yes! Our first dog, Sable the Wonderdog, had two litters of puppies, both by C-section and when you do that you have to bring an army of people to help rescucitate the pups because the anesthesia knocks them out too. Which is unfortunately why her entire second litter was still-born and nothing we did could bring them back. It was devestating.
So that was fun. Now back to your regular programming.
Posted by: vigorousanonymity on: October 16, 2009
I read this over at Pioneer Woman today, while I was having my lunch. And as I scrolled down my soup spoon just got suspended in mid-air while my jaw dropped. I was agog!
Look at those sweet little boys…doing work. Driving a vehicle! Driving it in reverse! Are you serious??? What are those kids, 7 and 8???
This is proof that all children need to be raised on farms of some sort. We should have the option to send them to farms to be raised by people that no how to properly utilize young children, instead of plopping them down in front of a television and putting a Playstation controller in their hands. Just think how useful your children would be when you got them back!
Case in point, Ingrid took her car to school with her this year. Yesterday, I got a call from her.
Ingrid:”Mom, something’s wrong. I left for Target with half a tank of gas and when I got home my gas light was on! It’s only 10 minutes away!”
Me: “Well maybe you didn’t have as much gas as you thought you had.”
Ingrid: “No, Mom, there’s a big puddle of oily rainbow colored stuff under the car.”
Me: “Oh.” (to self, fuck.)
So her car has some sort of leak of some sort of fluid but since we’re not there to see it, smell it, touch it, fix it, we are relying on Ingrid to do so. And she’ll have to get it fixed, because if it is indeed gas it won’t be a good idea to drive it all the way out here.
I explain she’ll have to call around and try to find a repair shop and then take it there. And her brain exploded, and there was much crying and rending of clothing. She called one place, and it turned out to be a tire center, and the guy there told her “That car is a walking time bomb, you shouldn’t even be driving it.” So that ended any and all self-involvement by Ingrid.
I ended up having to call some places, and then had to tell her what to do. Right down to giving her directions (the place is two blocks from her school).
But I’m pretty sure if Pioneer Woman had raised that kid, she’d not only know how to get it fixed, she’d have the hood open and a dipstick in her hand when she called me.
No, not that kind of dipstick…you people are sick…
Posted by: vigorousanonymity on: October 14, 2009
I hate it when I can’t think of anything to write about. Hate. It. I know stuff has happened. Hell, I don’t live in a vacuum. Now that I think about it, vacuum is neither a noun nor a verb in my life, as evidenced by the amount of cat hair accumulating on my carpet.
The lack of meaty topic leaves me with but one choice: BULLETS!
OK, I got nothing else. Something needs to happen to me soon. Or not.
Posted by: vigorousanonymity on: October 7, 2009
Jackass’ new car came with 3 months of XM Radio. I am so insanely jealous I can’t speak about it. Talk about a total waste of fabulous technology. This is a man who listens to Imus in the Morning on his way to work, and sport radio on his way home.
We sat at the dealer while the salesman showed us all the wondrous things XM can do, and all the dazzling stations it can get. And oh! the clarity! No scratchy interference. No static. Just clear, crisp tones through which I could listen to The Killers, or Pearl Jam, or the Counting Crows – if only I had XM in my car.
He scoffed at the XM when we got it. Declared it a waste of money, and that he would never listen to it. The first day, however, he came home from work telling me he had listened to Benny Goodman all the way home. And the next night it was The Andrew Sisters. And then, show tunes. Now he intends to extend the free 3 months when the time is up so that he can have this “music” at his fingertips for eternity.
I ask you, is this not a tragedy? No man needs XM Radio for show tunes. I think I should hijack it and replace it a cassette deck.
Posted by: vigorousanonymity on: September 30, 2009
Dear Bank::
We have loved our time with you. It’s hard to say that about a bank, but I say it proudly. I have even converted a few non-believers in my time as one of your customers. You have, without question, been the most convenient of all the banks I’ve ever known. You’re open on Sundays! You clear all checks within 24 hours. You’ll even cash a check for more than I have in my account…sometimes…if I get the right teller.
And then the unthinkable happened. You merged with a “less convenient bank”. And my world has tilted on its axis.
Gone are the quick clearing checks! Now you hold them forever – even when they’re government checks. Gone are the friendly tellers who just want to please and in place of them are the robots who stamp NO MONEY FOR YOU on their foreheads and decline every request.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, though, it did. Your on-line banking system changed, and while I used to be able to see the name of every vendor presented via my debit card, now it takes you 4 days to input that info. 4 days??? Do you know the damage that can be done to someone’s checking account in 4 DAYS??
But today was the kicker. Today is the 30th. Today is payday. Today is “direct deposit day”. And yet, when I checked my balance on-line today, no direct deposit was listed. I called your 800 number, but continuously received a “Your call cannot be completed at this time.” message. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one dismayed!
Finally, I got through! To the bitchiest bitch I have ever had to deal with at the bank.
Her: “Your direct deposit will be available after 4pm.”
Me: “But that’s unacceptable. That’s an entire business day. You can’t just hold onto a direct deposit for a full day.”
Her: “You’ll have your direct deposit after 4pm.”
Me: “4PM is too late in the day for most of the on-line bills I pay. If I don’t pay them by 3pm they post on the next day, hence they are late! This isn’t right!”
Her: “Look, ma’am, we upgraded our computer systems over the weekend. Your direct deposit will be available after 4pm.”
Me: “Are you telling me this is a one-time thing? Next time, it will be back to normal?”
Her: (heaving great sigh) “Yes.”
Me: “Well you might have told me that in the first place, instead of giving me attitude. Can I have your name please?”
Her: (click)
So, convenient bank, we are at a crossroads. Either things improve or I must leave you. I am saddened to the core.
Sincerely,
She who doesn’t like change when it’s not for the better.
Posted by: vigorousanonymity on: September 28, 2009
I’m getting a little tired of being thrown under the bus because I have breasts.
Case in point.
About 6 months ago, we had decided that it might be time to look for a new car for Jackass. The van he’s been driving has 118,000 miles on it and is starting to feel every one. The engine is fine, but nothing else works. The door locks don’t work, the intermittent windshield wipers don’t work, the rear doors don’t close properly…I could go on indefinitely. It’s a big electrical nightmare.
Now the problem with car shopping is twofold. First, our credit isn’t great, so we need to find a dealership that will work with us on that. Second, Jackass doesn’t shop. He expects me to do that, and somehow drive two cars home at once. Because I’m magic.
So I had the idea that we might get another Hyundai. I love my Sonata, and there’s a dealership not too far from where we both work. I called them on my lunchhour one day and explained our situation – including the credit issues. (Big mistake, as it turns out, but I like to be upfront.) The salesman asked me to come in the next day on my lunch hour. And so I did.
Now, I’m pretty sure a lot of people say, “Yeah I’ll come in tomorrow.” And I’m pretty sure a lot of people don’t show up tomorrow. It’s the nature of sales and car sales in particular. But I showed up. Just when I said I would. And the salesman let me drive a Santa Fe and I loved it, and I asked him if we could look at the numbers, including what he could give us for the trade-in.
They offered me $500 for the van. The Blue Book value is $5,000, so yeah. Strike #1. I thought to myself, we can sell it ourselves, so I let that go. And then set down to talking about the financing.
And then he lowered the boom. In order to work up the financing, go to the banks, etc., he wanted a $2,000 deposit. Totally refundable, he said in his defense, but they couldn’t do that much work on my behalf if I wasn’t serious about buying the car, and my deposit would ensure I was.
I just blinked at him. And then I said, “Let me get this straight. You want me to pay you for doing your job?”
He responded with, “Candy, you’re not thinking about this the right way. You’ll get your money back if we can’t help you.”
And I just laughed and said “One of is definitely not thinking about this the right way. But since I’m leaving here with my $2,000 intact, I think it might be you.” And I walked out. And he let me.
Fast forward to last week. Jackass’ van is even worse now, and the need for a replacement is imminent. But instead of financing it, Jackass thought we should take a loan from his pension (at 3.9% interest, which we would never get from a dealer) and pay cash. I jumped on board. And did the research and came up with a list of cars we could choose from. Last Friday night, Jackass and I were going to go to 3 dealers, and drive some cars. We were going to look at the Hyundai Santa Fe (again!), the Subaru Forester, and the Mitsubishi Outlander.
There are several Hyundai dealers in the area, but the closest one was the jerk I dealt with before. All we were planning to do was see the car, let Jackass drive it, and move along. So we went there.
And Jackass declared himself in love and he wanted THAT car, and didn’t want to look at any OTHER cars. Have I mentioned he’s a lousy shopper?
And then we sat down to negotiate. I had done all the research, so I asked all the pertinent questions while Jackass just sat there looking ominous. I asked about the warranty, and the dealership specials that were going on, and the difference in price between the trim options, etc.
And then the salesman and Jackass started negotiating the price.
They offered Jackass $2,000 more for the van than they offered me. When we told them we were paying cash for the vehicle, they offered us a financing deal at the same rate as the pension loan WITHOUT RUNNING OUR CREDIT!!!
While I was thrilled that it all came together for us, in the end I was actually livid. I would have bought the damned car 6 months earlier – in the height of the auto industry collapse – if they had just dealt with me the way they dealt with Jackass.
I am sickened that we ended up buying it there, but I suppose since the deal was good for us, I need to get over that. But I swear, it’s days like this I wish I was a hermaphrodite.
