Vigorous Anonymity

Can we all pause and say…Menopause?

Posted on: July 20, 2009

Over the last 5 or 6 months (maybe longer, and I was oblivious, who really knows) I’ve been having some “womenz problemz”.  Just a couple little things, but after several months of it, even I in my oblivion started to notice a pattern, and it gave me…pause.

I’ve always had a problem with mittelschmerz (no that’s not a character on I Love Lucy).  If you don’t feel like clicking the link (and I never do) it’s pain when you ovulate, so it comes mid-cycle and it can be intermittent or it can happen every month.  Like I said, I’ve always had it, but I only have it on my left side, so when my right ovary would do the work I’d be pain-free.  Unfortunately, my right ovary doesn’t seem to be functioning at all anymore, because every month for the last 6 months I’ve been in agony.  Agony, I tell ya!

It shouldn’t be this painful – it’s supposed to be like cramping, but this is actual stab-you-in-the-gut kind of pain and it takes my breath away.  Not to mention I just had most of a colon removed to STOP left sided abdominal pain, this is really a kick in the pants.  So to speak.  Shouldn’t there be a limit to the indignities?

Added to that pain is the mood swings.  Oh my…the mood swings.  For about 2 days before I get my period I am incapable of being around people.  I need to be locked in a barn until the full moon wanes so I don’t bite people and turn them into werewolves.  I’m hideous.

So last month I went to the gyno for my annual, and we discussed these things.  Once before, he’d tried to put me on birth control pills for the mittelschmerz.  The only way to fix it is to stop the ovulation.  I resisted…that was just after my surgery and I really didn’t want to start up with that too.  So I ignored it until it got really bad.

This time when he recommended the pills, I knew it was coming and I said ok.  And then I talked to him about the mood swings and how very very bad they were, and he said the bc pills might help with that.  And then he looked me in the eye and said, “But they might also make them worse.”

Really?  And you’re ok with that, I wanted to ask.  But I didn’t.  I just took the recommended pills home with me and started taking them on the appropriate day and then…to quote a friend…Oh Mah Holy Hell.

The good news is, there was no ovarian pain this month.  The bad news?  I don’t think there is a single living person who is still speaking to me.  I have alienated my best friend, I have SCREAMED at my daughter for not putting away the Intuition razor, I have sobbed in front of my son because he wanted me to take him to a friend’s house and I was uncomfortable with the decision, and I almost picked up my purse and walked out of the office.  For good.  About two hours ago.

My husband is the only one who has been spared, and I think that’s because he stopped talking to me several months ago.  Harvard.  ’68.

Oh, and then there’s the migraines.  Did I mention the migraines?  3 in 3 weeks.  2 in one weekend.  One that lasted 3 days.  And the last one (just this Saturday) was so bad I spent an absolutely glorious Saturday in a darkened room, crying silently into a pillow.

So instead of 2 days of being bitchy and moody, I’m now just like that all the time.  I cried all weekend.  ALL WEEKEND.  And sitting at my desk a little while ago I started doing it again.  I can’t go on like this, this is ridiculous.

So I stopped taking the pills on Saturday, and of course I got my period…little spotty thing, but whatever.  I have called the doctor to ask him just what the fuck he was thinking.  He has not returned my calls.  It’s possible I might have thrown a pipe bomb at his house in my sleep one night, so that could be the reason.

Menopause.  Yeah, this is fun.


5 Responses to "Can we all pause and say…Menopause?"

OH hell. Fuck me dead. Was it the kind of pill with the three different colors – the Ortho Tri-cyclen or whatever the hell they’re called?

Yea. I did ONE course of those and pipe-bombed my own doctor’s house.

Oh honey.

I too have had my fair share of trial-and-errors with birth control pills.

But… I bet anything the doctor just gave you the wrong ones for you. I eventually ended up finding ones that didn’t give me all sorts of horrible side effects and made the horrible cramps and headaches and such stop too.

If you’re brave enough, you could go back and talk to doc and try a different hormone combo. Or I suppose… being a werewolf 2 days out of the month isn’t that bad, right? =)

Sounds horrible. Surely there is something that can be done to alleviate the bad symptoms without kicking you into bitch overdrive?

I’m blissfully clueless as to where I am in the whole menopause thing. Since I had a partial hysterectomy, I don’t have any visual clues, although I have the occasional mild night sweat.

I’m waiting for the major bitch thing to catch up with me.

Speaking from the middle of hot flash hell here, just kill yourself now.

Sorry, i suppose that wasn’t too helpful.

I’m sorry. I understand.

Dude, there are 1700 kinds of birth control pills. Tell your doctor to find one that stops the pain and doesn’t give you mood swings like that.

Like one doctor once told me about a medicine “we don’t want you to have side effects. So we’ll find something that gives you the least amount of side effects as possible. Because that’s my job.”

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