Vigorous Anonymity

Archive for October 2009

Ingrid’s roommate has swine flu.  They’re sending the kid home for a week, but Ingrid and the remaining 2 roommates will stay behind in the infestation.  Excellent.

Morris and I have both had the seasonal flu shot, but no one else in the family has.  Ingrid is supposed to have one before she can start her clinicals next semester but the school ran out, as have all the pharmacies and doctors in the area, and at home as well.  I’m not sure what she’s supposed to do about next year.  I’m frankly more worried about this week.

I emailed Jackass and he told me the school he teaches at has 16 confirmed cases of swine flu, and another 50 unconfirmed.  They’re unconfirmed because Horizon doesn’t cover the cost of the nose swab they use to confirm it, so those parents opt out of it because the treatment is the same.  But that’s 66 kids in a rural Northern New Jersey high school with swine flu.  Moderately troubling.

And Jackass is one of the ones in the family who hasn’t gotten a seasonal or H1N1 shot yet.  Are you liking our odds?  Anyone want to go for a long car ride with me?  I didn’t think so.

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This year is my 30th high school reunion.  Gad.

I went to my 25th with my bff from high school, Cheryl.  But she lives in squallor in upper New York state and I don’t think she can afford the gas to come down this year.  Which is frankly just as well, because opening the door to that friendship was like opening Pandora’s Box.  Cheryl and I hadn’t spoken in years before the reunion, and afterwards she called me every 2 days to tell me how much she hated her husband, how much her friggin’ kids were driving her crazy, and how hot her new lover was.

So you’ll forgive me if I don’t want to revisit that.

I’ve decided I’m not attending my 30th.  I just saw these people 5 years ago, and honestly, with the exception of the guy who hugged me like he should have hugged me in 1979, I don’t really want to see any of those people again so soon.

But I did sign up for Classmates a while back, and because the reunion is looming, every day I get another email telling me “so and so” has joined Classmates, and sent you a message and blah blah blah.

Dudes?  I have no idea who these people are.  So far I’ve gotten 47 emails about people joining Classmates from the class of ’79 and not a single one of them rings a bell.  I know I wasn’t a “cool kid” in high school, but I would have said back then I knew who every one of my classmates was.  Apparently, I was wrong.

It leaves me with only one question left to ask.  Who are these people?

Today I got a chain letter in the mail from my direct supervisor at work.  It’s one of those recipe exchange things, like the cookie recipe or the dishtowel thing, where you’re supposed to send it to 20 friends, and add your name to the bottom of the list, and eventually you’ll get 180 dishtowels.  Or something.

Anyway, my boss sent it to me.  She was the second person on the list, so if I hadn’t sent it out, she wouldn’t have gotten any recipes.  And she would have known I was the problem. SO I HAD NO CHOICE!

But the damned thing was supposed to be sent to 20 PEOPLE!  20!!!  Dudes, I don’t know 20 women’s emails off the top of my head…most people correspond through Facebook these days and their emails aren’t glaringly obvious anymore.  Besides that, I DON’T HAVE 20 FRIENDS!  Seriously…I really don’t know 20 women in real life that I could send that to.

Because she’s my boss, she’d already sent it to all the people we work with and are friendly enough with that they won’t be offended.  So I had to come up with 20 real people not connected through work.

I got to about 13 and then I was just stumped.  And so I did it.  I added the names of my blog friends.  I’M SO ASHAMED.

I hope you’ll forgive me, but this was job preservation at it’s most basic.

…a meme appears!  Yay for Mrs. Chili.

1. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? Oh yes.  In fact, she’s sitting about 6 feet away from me right now.

2. How do you flush the toilet in public? The only public ones I ever use are the ones at work and they flush when you move.  They also flush when you breathe, flush when you sneeze, and flush if you even think about flushing.  Added to the faucet that turns on automatically when you put your hand under it and then doesn’t stop running at full speed for 3 minutes, I think we’re doing our share for the environment!

3. Do you wear your seat belt in the car? Mostly.  (sooo ashamed).  Lately, I’ve taken to driving the distance between my office and the mall right next door without it.  But can I just say in my defense – I am only navigating a parking lot.  No major streets.

4. Do you have a crush on someone? Sigh…I wish I could answer no…

5. Name one thing you worry about running out of. There are several. Toilet paper.  Bathroom Dixie cups.  Butter.  Wine.  Not necessarily in that order.

6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble? When I was young, it was Linda Ronstadt, but now it’s more like Phyllis Diller

7. What is your favourite pizza topping? Bacon!

8. Do you crack your knuckles? I do it when my fingers ache, thinking that what i need is a good cracking to loosen them up and then they just hurt more.  Because I’m stupid like that.

9. What song do you hate the most? There is a new Alice in Chains song that my fave radio station is playing incessantly and I actually have to turn the station when it comes on.  HEAD ACHE!

10. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head? Luckily, no, because it’s so dischordant I couldn’t possibly hear it in my head anyway.  It has no melody.

11. What are your super powers? I think I get people.  I get why they do things.  What makes them tick.  It’s a blessing and a curse.

12. Peppermint or spearmint? Spearmint.  Wintergreen, if I have a choice.

13. Where are your car keys? That’s an excellent question

14. Last song you listened to? The iPod is on and playing Achilles Last Stand by Zeppelin.

15. What’s your most annoying habit? I clear my throat a lot.  Drives Jackass pretty crazy.

16. Where did you last go on vacation? Stupid question.  It’s always the frigging shore.  But NOT NEXT YEAR!

17. What is your best physical feature? My eyes.

18. What CD is closest to you right now?I don’t know what this means.  Closest in proximity?  Like I could reach up and touch it.  None.  Closest as in – I must listen every day?  None.  I like random/shuffle.  But if I had to choose, I’d say August and Everything After by the Counting Crows.

19. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? Wine, butter and cheese.  I know how to live.

20. What superstition do you believe/practice? I ALWAYS knock wood.  ALWAYS.

21. What colour are your bed sheets? Dark blue.

22. Would you rather be a fish or a bird? I can’t swim, so I guess I better go with bird, but that flying thing looks pretty freaky.

23. Last thing you broke? A nail.

24. What are you having to eat tonight? I think I’ll be making Chicken Parm tonight.

25. What colour shirt are you wearing? Salmon.

26. If you could be doing anything else today, what would you rather be doing? I would be home, attempting to clean my house, and playing a video game.  Sad, I know.

27. Do security cameras make you nervous? What video camera?  ::cue scary music::

28. If you wrote a book about your life, what would the title be? Running With Scissors.

29. Last time you went to a cemetery? Jeez.  I guess 16 years ago when my mother died.  But I have a weird fascination with them.  When I drive by I try to read all the names I can.

30. Last concert you went to? Keane at Radio City Music Hall.

31. Favourite musician(s)/bands you’ve seen in concert? Elton/Billy.  Jimmy Buffet.  Fleetwood Mac.  I’m lame.  But I am going to see Neko Case next month!

32. Next concert you’re planning to attend? Oh.  OK, so I’m going to see Neko Case next month!

33. Do you talk to yourself? Constantly.  First of all, I practice every conversation I might ever have with any individual I might ever have it with out loud.  And I keep up a steady dialog while I work.  It can be maddening to those around me.

34. Have you ever adopted or purchased a pet? I have done both with varying results.  As some of you well know.

35. Have you ever been present when an animal is being born? Yes!  Our first dog, Sable the Wonderdog, had two litters of puppies, both by C-section and when you do that you have to bring an army of people to help rescucitate the pups because the anesthesia knocks them out too.  Which is unfortunately why her entire second litter was still-born and nothing we did could bring them back.  It was devestating.

So that was fun.  Now back to your regular programming.

I read this over at Pioneer Woman today, while I was having my lunch.  And as I scrolled down my soup spoon just got suspended in mid-air while my jaw dropped.  I was agog!

Look at those sweet little boys…doing work.  Driving a vehicle!  Driving it in reverse!  Are you serious???  What are those kids, 7 and 8???

This is proof that all children need to be raised on farms of some sort.  We should have the option to send them to farms to be raised by people that no how to properly utilize young children, instead of plopping them down in front of a television and putting a Playstation controller in their hands.  Just think how useful your children would be when you got them back!

Case in point, Ingrid took her car to school with her this year.  Yesterday, I got a call from her.

Ingrid:”Mom, something’s wrong.  I left for Target with half a tank of gas and when I got home my gas light was on!  It’s only 10 minutes away!”

Me:  “Well maybe you didn’t have as much gas as you thought you had.”

Ingrid:  “No, Mom, there’s a big puddle of oily rainbow colored stuff under the car.”

Me:  “Oh.”  (to self, fuck.)

So her car has some sort of leak of some sort of fluid but since we’re not there to see it, smell it, touch it, fix it, we are relying on Ingrid to do so.  And she’ll have to get it fixed, because if it is indeed gas it won’t be a good idea to drive it all the way out here.

I explain she’ll have to call around and try to find a repair shop and then take it there.  And her brain exploded, and there was much crying and rending of clothing.  She called one place, and it turned out to be a tire center, and the guy there told her “That car is a walking time bomb, you shouldn’t even be driving it.”  So that ended any and all self-involvement by Ingrid.

I ended up having to call some places, and then had to tell her what to do.  Right down to giving her directions (the place is two blocks from her school).

But I’m pretty sure if Pioneer Woman had raised that kid, she’d not only know how to get it fixed, she’d have the hood open and a dipstick in her hand when she called me.

No, not that kind of dipstick…you people are sick…

I hate it when I can’t think of anything to write about.  Hate. It.  I know stuff has happened.  Hell, I don’t live in a vacuum.  Now that I think about it, vacuum is neither a noun nor a verb in my life, as evidenced by the amount of cat hair accumulating on my carpet.

The lack of meaty topic leaves me with but one choice:  BULLETS!

  • My daughter has been home from college once since August 30th.  ONCE!  And she brought her roommate home with her.  And when she went back to school after that weekend she said, “Is it ok if I don’t come home again until Thanksgiving?”  IS IT OK???  After I finished tap dancing across the kitchen (ignoring the crunching sound of kitty kibble under my feet because…again…no vacuuming), I said “Of course it’s ok.”  And then I took over her bedroom and began redecorating.
  • Despite everything I read that says 17-year old children should not get a car on their birthday, my son is determined and adamant.  He does not find me funny when I tell him we will start shopping for a car sometime in the Spring (his birthday is in December).  I should add he has saved his own money for this purchase, which I have agreed to match, so I feel sort of lame telling him he can’t have the car he’s been saving for for 2 years.
  • I bought a new video game yesterday and it took me four hours to load it on my computer because it seems in addition to said video game, one must also have accounts with two, seemingly-unrelated websites (Steam and Windows Games Live or something like that) and both of them needed to be downloaded, and then updated, and then redownloaded and then blah blah blah.  By the time I finished all the loading I was too tired to play the game so I just went to bed.
  • Today, one of my supervisors sent me an email asking me if I wanted to add anything to a form she is creating which I will basically be the only one using.  So I sent her an email saying we should add “X” and I got back an email saying that was too complicated.  And I send another email saying we probably also need “Y” and got back another email saying we would do that on a case by case basis.  And then I sent her a third email asking her why she bothered asking me for my input.  I put a smiley face at the end of that sentence, but I’m thinking I may have stepped over the line anyway.
  • My hair is too short and it’s making me unhappy.
  • It will grow, but I can tell by the way that it was cut it will only get poofy, not longer.
  • There is a Halloween store that only opens up seasonally in a vacant store in a strip mall near work.  Right next to that is a season Christmas decoration store.  Am I the only one who finds this offensive?

OK, I got nothing else.  Something needs to happen to me soon.  Or not.

Jackass’ new car came with 3 months of XM Radio.  I am so insanely jealous I can’t speak about it.  Talk about a total waste of fabulous technology.  This is a man who listens to Imus in the Morning on his way to work, and sport radio on his way home.

We sat at the dealer while the salesman showed us all the wondrous things XM can do, and all the dazzling stations it can get.  And oh! the clarity!  No scratchy interference.  No static.  Just clear, crisp tones through which I could listen to The Killers, or Pearl Jam, or the Counting Crows – if only I had XM in my car.

He scoffed at the XM when we got it.  Declared it a waste of money, and that he would never listen to it.  The first day, however, he came home from work telling me he had listened to Benny Goodman all the way home.  And the next night it was The Andrew Sisters.  And then, show tunes.  Now he intends to extend the free 3 months when the time is up so that he can have this “music” at his fingertips for eternity.

I ask you, is this not a tragedy?  No man needs XM Radio for show tunes.  I think I should hijack it and replace it a cassette deck.



  • None
  • TheQueen: Yeah, perhaps next year suggest you ALL just skip the adult gifts and focus on the little ones. I'm sure you won't miss it!
  • kristabella: Yay! You're back!
  • Shania Ring: Out of all of that, the only thing in my head is 20?!? Twenty? I remember a little boy in middle school when I first started reading you. Are you SURE